I am losing someone I love very deeply. I will save the details until after she dies but suffice it to say it is someone very very special. I am a grief counselor, I counsel hurting/struggling people every day, so you would think I would have this whole losing a loved one thing....down. WRONG. This morning I came downstairs, ready to go to work, with 2 different colored shoes on. Okay, I get it, not handling it well.
Here's the thing: there are certain situations we simply can't handle WELL. Handling it well really means to feel what we feel, to let others love us, to be gentle with ourselves during the hard times, to eat an extra piece of chocolate......whatever it takes to soothe the 'sad little kid' inside.
I wish I could name all the feelings I have running through my system now. I can capture a few but not all of them. What I'm aware of include:
INTENSE SADNESS
ANGER
HELPLESSNESS
FOGGY HEADEDNESS (SHOES.....)
WANTING TO ISOLATE
FORGETTING STUFF
LOSING CONCENTRATION (NOT GOOD IN THERAPY SESSIONS)
FEAR
All of these are normal, plus a zillion other things as well. Everyone experiences grief in their own way. A la carte grief is what I call it: a little of this, a little of that. My husband handles it completely differently than I do. Typically males hold stuff in more but not always.
So here is my plan: I'm gonna trust.......trust that I will be able to handle this loss and not fall down some deep hole of emotion. Trust that my friends, family and clients will make space for me to be crazy, bitchy, forgetful, whatever. Trust that I'll say to my dying loved one what she needs to hear. Did I say trust that I'll get thru this.....I hope......